As we go through another substantial round of hiring, I thought I’d diverge from my normal Found topics. By the way, it’s not too late – and besides, we’re always looking for great talent even when we don’t have official openings. Check out our career opportunities.
So for all you job seekers out there, here are some great ways to not get hired by Direct Online Marketing or anywhere else.
Initial Submission Tips
- Don’t include a cover letter. Bonus points if you’re switching industries and make the person reviewing the resumes try to figure out how your skills are applicable.
- Don’t live in the area? Fire off that resume without explaining why / how you’ll work there. Maybe they offer telecommuting even if it’s not explicitly mentioned in the description!
- Shoot off resumes randomly to foreign countries requiring sponsorship without any demonstrable skills. That’s a super easy process for companies.
- Don’t thank or be polite to the interview scheduler. Surely no one will see that correspondence or care about their opinion.
- Be sure to make tons of spelling or grammatical errors. Don’t just go for one or two that people might not notice or have sympathy for. Write it the same way you would a text to your BFF about what movie you want to see.
On the Phone
- Don’t read up on the company ahead of your call. I wouldn’t even bother having their website up during the interview. The less you know the better.
- Don’t ask any questions.
- If you do have questions, be sure to start off asking what the pay is. Even better if that’s your only question.
- Hide your enthusiasm; monotone is monorific!
- Call the interviewer by the wrong name. (Works great for emails, too.)
- Dress super sexy. I guess that might work in some places, but not when you want to be taken seriously. I’m reminded of a place I used to work and was interviewing a woman who had a handsome figure and wanted to make sure EVERYONE knew it. All our conference rooms were full, so I had to walk her through the sales floor to get back to my boss’ office. You’ve never seen such rubbernecking. If I wouldn’t have been able to figure it out before, it was a great picture of the daily circus it would be if she were hired.
Also for those applying to DOM, be aware that our current employee base is heavily female. If you’re a woman interviewing, be sure to wear a short skirt or show off your cleavage. That plays well here.
- If you can’t go super sexy, go super sloppy. Nothing says you’re stoked for the opportunity like not giving a crap about how you appear.
- Go heavy on the perfume / cologne. You really want that to be what people remember you for.
- If asked about why you should be hired, make it all about you and your wants. (This is the one item on the list I have sympathy for because it’s a fair way to answer the question and it happens so often. But keep in mind that the person hiring you cares about what you can do FOR the company. That will make them look better and help the company produce more, meaning more revenue for the company, and less stress for the employees.)
- Keep checking your watch, your phone, and looking at the door. Go-getters don’t want to be locked up in a room in interviews – they got stuff to do!
- Treat your male and female interviewers differently. And be rude to the receptionists while you’re at it. They wield no power in an organization.
- When asking why you’re interested in working for the company a fail-safe response is, “I’m just looking for a J-O-B.” Note: this will work just as well on the phone.
After an Interview
- Whatever you do, do not send a thank you note. Handwritten notes especially might make you stand out against the dozens or hundreds of other applicants.
- Follow up every couple days regardless of any timeline laid out for you. No way they’d view this eagerness as psychotic. Besides, they probably don’t have anything else to do that day anyway.
After Not Getting an Offer
- Napalm that bridge! Companies never ever hire someone they originally did not bring on. And we don’t have several people like that currently working here.
At Job Fairs
- Wear a hat. If you’re wearing your favorite team’s jersey, even better!
- Don’t bring a resume. You don’t want to tip anyone off about what you can do.
One of My Own Mistakes
I bring these up to have a little fun, but you wouldn’t believe how many people make these mistakes. These are all from personal experience. But I always try to admit when I do stupid stuff.*
Before I founded this company, I was freelancing while job seeking. I had a couple pretty good flame outs during the interview process. One of my favorites was after an interview that went very well. The company invited my wife and me up to a fancy steakhouse to sell me on the position. A very nice offer. I quickly responded and thanked them.
Well, I was kind of far along with a couple different companies at the time. And I mentioned that I really liked meeting with a different company in my response. A printout of that rejection email hung on the fridge for awhile.
My Favorite Interview of All Time
And to close, here is my favorite interview of all time. Heather was up first and walked into the room to interview him. Upon greeting him with a friendly, “How’s it going today?” the candidate responded:
Well, I’d be lying if I didn’t say I’d rather be sleeping right now.”
To be fair, it was a morning interview.